Identity crisis.

It’s been a while since I last blogged, the main reason being that I broke my phone and am using one that is SO painfully slow. Then I forgot my password when I downloaded WordPress to the iPad then bla bla bla here I am…

So I thought I would get back into it by talking about something that has been on my mind a lot lately… and I know is something a lot of people find themselves wondering…. Who am I? I am most definitely having an identity crisis.

I started the year being really focused and determined, I had set my own goals for the year ahead and really felt positive for the first time in a long time….. Fast forward 5 weeks and I’m back in the dark place that I go into every now and then. I either go one way or the other, super upbeat and positive, or in a black hole of negativity.

In these moments, the ups and the downs, there’s always one common factor and that is who am I, I feel like I have lost myself. I’ve really withdrawn myself socially and I feel like I don’t know who I am. I’m mum to my two beautiful children and that gives me purpose, I have a good job that works well around them, and of course I have Kyle…

But there is still something missing … I look in the mirror each morning and I just see a person, a shell of myself, like I’m not there, I don’t know who I’m looking at.

Each day I’m trying to find a little bit of time to just focus on myself, think about what I want and who I want to be. I’m still trying to find that, and I’m sure it’s going to take some time.

So what is it that defines you? what would you want to see if you looked back on yourself in 10 years time? These are the things I’m asking myself and you should ask yourself too.

Are you living the life you want? Are you fulfilling your goals and dreams?

Find yourself, find your way and when you do, enjoy every day, as you really don’t know when it will be your last. This is what I’m going to do.

My next journey will be just that, finding myself again.

To any one else feeling this way… you will get there, just don’t give up on yourself, your worth so much more.

Jenn xxx


Did you know…

I am also on Instagram –

My main account (mostly baby spam) is jennjennhill

My second account (fairly new) is documenting my journey to find my happy place – jenns_journey1

If your on insta – give me a follow, and please leave me your usernames too! And any good pages or blogs to follow would be great!

Jenn xxx

Harry’s world.

It’s been a long while since I posted about Harry, and seeing that we have a lot in place with his speech etc at the moment I thought now would be a good time to start posting regular updates.

So the last time was when Harry had turned 2! And we were waiting for his first speech and language appointment to come through.

Fast forward 6 months to now, and this is where we are at:

  • Harry has quite a lot of recognisable words – when he wants to use them! They aren’t all clear but you can tell what he is saying! The most used being pasta, cheese (of course) , car, go.
  • Harry has his own words for myself, Kyle and Daisy (although he is almost saying Daddy now – no Mummy yet!)
  • He is brilliant with numbers and letters. Harry can count to twelve and knows a lot of letters too (this comes from his love of countdown… yes, countdown)
  • Harry knows his primary colours.
  • Harry enjoys singing along to a few songs, not the words he just babbles the tune (row your boat, grand old duke of York and round the garden)
  • He still babbles …. a lot! And when I say a lot I mean from the second he wakes until he falls asleep!
  • Harry’s S&L therapist has set up a bucket group at his nursery specifically for attention and listening skills, which Harry will be part of. One of his biggest challenges is paying attention to anything, he is so easily distracted and wants everything on his own agenda.
  • We are being offered more therapy sessions to work on his speech, and have been given lots of activities to work on at home.
  • We are trying to teach Harry some basic makaton signs, but it is very difficult with the lack of attention – although Mr Tumble helps!

Myself and Kyle have been finding everything quite stressful lately and with Harry we couldn’t imagine that his speech and behaviour will ever move forward, but looking back at 6 months ago – he has come on leaps and bounds.

In regards to his ‘obsessive‘ behaviours – Harry has moved on from his love of doors (which felt like it lasted forever) now, he tends to go through phases, at the moment he wants to switch light switches on and off and will be very sneaky in order to do it (putting things down to climb on so that he can reach) and also his picture cards, all he does is move them from the sofa to the floor but he loves them.

Harry doesn’t nap in the day at all anymore, so trying to keep him amused all day can become difficult. (He has tonsillitis at the moment and has been napping loads, and I must admit it’s been nice … because he can wind down a bit) He isn’t sleeping so well at night recently due to night terrors, we have an appointment with a sleep specialist from the early years team who is due to see him soon so hopefully that might help, and following that, he is being seen again by the early years team to see how they can support Harry, and us with his developmental, behavioural and sensory challenges.

Everything has been put in place to support Harry in the areas he needs, and I’m really hoping that in another 6 months time he will have moved forward even more.

So that’s all on where we are at now. Here’s a few more bits on things Harry enjoys, he is such a lovely, funny boy, we are very lucky to have him.

  • Cars
  • Puddle splashing (his favourite thing to do)
  • His sister – Daisy, he adores her.
  • Nursery, he goes two days a week and really enjoys it.
  • Playing football and chase with his Daddy.
  • Pasta pasta pasta – this is still all he will eat for dinner!

I hope I haven’t bored you all to death and I will update again once everything is underway!

Jenn xxx

Worry, worry, worry… isn’t funny.

I’ve said many times before that the reason I blog, is as a way to help myself, when I write, I feel like I can be 100% open and honest with both readers, and with myself. When I admitted I was struggling with PND way back at the start, it was hard to publicly share that, but it helped so much. And one of the best parts about the blogging community, is that there are so many people sharing their stories and I have come across some amazing people who really inspire me.

So, I want to share another part of myself, a part that really eats me up and consumes a lot of my life, I was unsure at first, but then I thought about how writing my posts has a positive effect on me and has at points reached out to others in similar situations.

I have had bouts of anxiety, depression, and I’m still finding the best way to keep that at bay, but one of my biggest problems is Health anxiety. Some may think I’m a ‘hypochondriac’ but it goes a lot deeper than that.

Not only do I worry obsessively about all things health related, but I lay awake at night worrying that it’s my last night, that I will fall asleep and never wake up and never see my family and friends again, and then my stomach churns with worry. I spend hours googling different symptoms, digging through my skin to feel things that aren’t even really there, reading articles on illnesses and diseases and convincing myself that I might have it, it’s starting to consume my thoughts constantly. And it’s not just me, I worry about the kids and Kyle. We went to the doctors with Harry this eve as he has been unwell, and he has tonsillitis, he’s really poorly with it. But I’m already stressing about everything and won’t let him out of my sight. Kyle is a deep sleeper, he has been for the 9 years we have been together, yet I still find myself poking him at night to make sure he is still breathing, as well as checking on the kids every hour or so.

This is just the surface, I have a lot more ‘behaviours’ relating to this side of my mind that I’m not ready to share.

So I would like to know if anyone has gone through or is going through a similar thing, and how to challenge it? I know I should discuss it with my gp but I’m worried they will think I’m crazy – because I often think that myself!

A lot of people wouldn’t understand, and who can blame them?

How do you deal with something that seems so ridiculous to others but so real to you…

I told myself this would be my year, my year to work on myself mentally, physically and emotionally, and one step at a time I am getting there, but this is one hurdle I don’t know how to overcome.

If your reading this, thanks for making it to the end without leaving, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Jenn xxx

A little bit of me…

So I’ve been blogging for a while now, although I will obviously never have a large following, I have lots of regular followers on Insta and WordPress so I thought I would share a little bit about myself:

My name is Jenn (full name Jennifer, definitely not a Jenny!)

I live on the beautiful Isle of Wight, although I was born in Leicester – I love it here and I don’t think I’ll ever move! Plus it’s a gorgeous place to bring up the little ones.

Although my friends will insist I’m ginger… I’m ‘strawberry blonde’ (honest)

I am 28 this year which scares me a little as I’m a lot closer to 30 than 20… the years really do fly by.

I work in a care home, my job role is Head of care and activity coordinator, I have worked there over 5 years and I love it. I’m currently on maternity leave, due to return in march.

My partners name is Kyle, we have been together 9 years in April and I honestly don’t know how he puts up with me and my moods. I am NOT easy to live with (but neither is he so we’re even)

I had my first child, Harry, in July 2015 – and my second (and last) Daisy, in August 2017. I have never been a maternal person but I am loving being a parent, even though I find it super hard.

I have a big fear of spiders, and I hate sharp knives.

Everyone finds this weird, but I cannot stand bacon, even the smell makes me want to vomit! But I love cheese, to the point I think I may have a problem. If I had to live on it, I would… happily.

I have size 8 feet which is really shit when you want to buy nice shoes!

I have one tattoo, it’s on my tummy of two butterflies and I hate it. I had it done when I was 15 and they get bigger each year as my waistline expands!!!

I love Marvel, DC, friends, and am a film lover (even though I always fall asleep half way through)

I find it really hard meeting new people but I have a small close group of friends.

I can’t think of much else to share because quite honestly, I’m a little boring! I like the simple things and I’m not overly adventurous!

So that’s a little bit about me.

More posts coming soon so watch this space.

Jenn xxx

Girl power ✌🏻

This one is for my baby girl. You make me want to be a better woman every day.

Growing up with three brothers, I was never really a girly girl, very much a tomboy, and also very shy. I found it difficult to make friends (still do!) and only had a couple of close friends .. but I think sometimes that’s best.

Anyway, my point is I’ve only had a few close female relationships through my lifetime so far, so finding out I was having a girl was exciting! Someone to dress up in cute girly clothes, and build the lifelong bond that we will have.

I want her to be a kind, independent, loving girl – and I’m sure she will be.. but I worry, when all I see on social media is this need to be a certain way, to look a certain way, and I really think this has a negative impact on most girls and women I know, this expectation of how your life ‘should‘ be. I follow so many amazing mummies and love what they post, but it also makes me constantly think I’m not good enough and has a huge negative effect on how I feel. And I feel this is the same for young girls, striving to be something that they think is the way to be, the way to look. What happened to doing whatever the hell you like without a second thought for whether you will be ‘accepted

I left school almost 13 years ago yet sometimes when I log into social media it’s like being in a playground, so much bitchiness between girls.. WHY?! Be happy for people’s achievements and don’t worry yourself about the parts you don’t like. You do not have to be friends with people you literally do not like, but you don’t have to be a mean person either.

On the flip side, I follow a lot of positive empowered women who embrace everything good and don’t let the negativity get the better of them. Let’s be honest, nobody is going to live their life without a good bitch and a moan about people (I’m one of the worst)

But if there is one thing I want for my girl, it’s for her to be true to herself and love herself for who she is.

There is too much negativity in the world, I am really trying to focus on all things positive.

So tell your best friend you love them, give your mum / Nan / friend a text, a phone call.

I will tell my baby girl every single day.

I feel like I’ve rambled as per, but come on, Stop hating on each other , it’s 2018 and it’s getting boring.

P.S I love to gossip etc as much as the next person, There are many girls out there I have zero time for, but I’m making it my mission to be nicer… it’s really not that hard.

P.P.S Shoutout to all the amazing women in my life AND the men, I literally couldn’t get by without them. I love you all so much.

Jenn xxx

Beat those January blues

A lot of people laugh at the whole idea of New Years resolutions, A new year, new me and all that kinda thing – but what better time than the start of a new year and the most boring month (Januaryof course) to set some new goals and turn a new page. For some it might be to lose the Christmas weight, quit smoking, join the gym – just a few of many. But for me, it was to get my head straight and just GO FOR IT.

And by go for it, I mean to stop making excuses, stop holding myself back, you really do only live once.

So, I have set myself many goals for the year ahead, but small, achievable ones – I don’t want to overwhelm myself and set myself up for failure.

The first thing I did, was write a list of things to do throughout the month, this is more of a family thing so that we don’t waste the days away. I wrote a big list with things like ‘Go somewhere on the island we have never been’bake a cake’ and we have to tick one off each day through January, so far it’s going well!

Anyway, I’ve started rambling. So here are some of my January saviours that have helped me to plan and organise myself and to make myself feel a bit ( actually, a LOT better)

Fearne Cotton Happy, and Happy the journal. I’m still working my way through Happy but it has some amazing tools to help with my demons and the journal is brilliant – I have used it every day!

You can start it at any time of the year and it gives you guidance and ideas to make you think about the positive things in your day and to be able to document them. I have had 7 days of positive entries so far!

Holly Willougby – Truly scrumptious baby. Daisy has reached the weaning stage and I wanted to be organised and only give her the best first tastes, this book tells you everything you need from what equipment to use, to flavour combos and loads of handy tips.

Harry Judd – Get fit, Get Happy.

This book is brilliant, especially if you do use exercise as a way to clear the mind. It has pictures and step by step instructions for exercise to do wherever you are and however busy you are, my favourite section is the one where you can exercise with your little one. Perfect for someone like me who hates the gym and doesn’t have much time to spare for exercise.

I have never been good with make up and always look like I’ve just been dragged through a bush backwards, but one of my ‘resolutions‘ is to stop looking like shit all the time (this can’t always be helped though. Haha!) this Benefit Brow kit was bought for me as a Christmas gift and now I don’t know how I lived without it, makes me feel like I look human, takes me 2 mins so I can squeeze it in between getting the little ones ready and I’m good to go. And Vaseline … well this is just a must isn’t it? I ALWAYS have chapped lips so a lick of lippy just doesn’t do me any favours, so a quick application of this ‘rosy lips‘ Vaseline, keeps them hydrated and gives the effect of lipgloss. I feel like an actual female human instead of a zombie Mummy.

These are the things that have kick started me into 2018 with a positive mind, I’m feeling great and I’m hopeful for the year to carry on this way!

I’m enjoying January, and why shouldn’t I, it’s about time I found some happiness for myself, from myself.

Here’s to the future.

Jenn xxx

New year, same blog..

It’s been a long while since I last posted, and to be honest I kind of gave up with my blog, worrying (as usual) that people were bored of my posts, but then I remembered –

1: Nobody has to read them.

2: My main reason for blogging was for myself.

3: Why do I care what people think?

So I’m back, to wrap up 2017 ready to blog more often and more openly in 2018 (which I can already feel is going to be a good year)

So let’s rewind… I started this blog to talk about my postnatal depression following the birth of bubba #1 … that now seems like a LIFETIME ago, bubba #2 is now 5 months (in a few days) and I’ve come to realise just how far I’ve come. I have some seriously low days and some days where I feel like THE worst parent in the world, but overall I have overcome most of my demons, with a little help from some little pills, yes, but with a lot of help from myself. And I’m starting to feel pretty good. I am absolutely, completely shattered, a nocturnal baby and a toddler suffering regular night terrors is taking its toll, but I deal with the bad days so much better now!

To me, PND had a huge affect on my life and I think to a point it still has, but I don’t feel controlled by it anymore, I have overcome the worst, my anxiety can be sky high at times but we all have our days, and today (and most days) I’m pretty happy.

In the new year I hope to mix it up a bit, my uphill journey through motherhood is still what my blog focuses on, but I’m looking forward to sharing the development of my two little monsters, the ups and downs of family life and everything else that’s thrown into the mix of it.

I love to write and after a tiring day I already feel more relaxed, so keeping my blog is a definite YES.

Happy new year everyone,

Here’s to a happy, healthy 2018.

Jenn xxx

‘Mum guilt’

Feeling guilty about something is always a gut wrenching feeling. But feeling guilt for your littles ones is just horrible. ‘Mum guilt‘ is something I hear lots of mums talk about, whether it’s going away somewhere without the kids, spending put on something for yourself (shock horror) or simply sticking them in front of the television because your knackered. Then there’s the biggest one of all, being a working mum. 

I am definitely guilty of this (excuse the pun).

But seriously, you still have to have a life. I mean don’t get me wrong, Harry and Daisy are my life but there is more to me than just being a ‘Mum‘.

I still need to socialise, treat myself, spend time with Kyle KID FREE and I need to provide for them, I want to give them everything.

When I had Harry, I returned to work when he was 7 months old, I felt guilty, like I was abandoning him, but it’s the best thing I could have done, it meant him going to nursery two mornings a week and it has been SO good for him, it’s really helped his development – especially where he’s behind in some areas, and he just loves going there. Now I have Daisy too, I didn’t want to go back to work so soon, I know I won’t have any more kids so I wanted to make the most of the time off while she’s little, but honestly, I am not cut out to be a stay at home Mum, as much as I love the bones off them, it just isn’t for me. I need to be working. I have always worked full time from a young age and that’s just who I am, plus I want to be able to be able to afford to do the things I want to, and for us as a family. Each to their own, but that’s just me….

…. And this is what I feel super guilty about. I worry that they won’t feel the same about me if I’m not with them as much, that I’m doing the wrong thing. 

But I know that actually, it’s the right thing. I need to put clothes on their back, food on the table and give them all the nice things they deserve. So if your feeling MUM GUILT, ask yourself – Do I really need to feel that way? 

I mean, I will still always feel that way, it’s natural. But we need to give ourselves a break.

Talking of which – me and Kyle are going to London next week and leaving the kids with their grandparents…… and yes, I feel guilty (haha!)

What things do you feel bad about as a Mum? Or a Dad? I’d love to hear them!
Jenn xxx

Post-partum problems…

So it’s been a while since my last blog post and that’s because I’ve been busy having another baby, who is 8 weeks old on Friday! For those of you who don’t know – this is Daisy Mai Welsh
I cannot believe it’s been that long already, and it hasn’t been an easy 8 weeks. And that’s what my latest post is focusing on – that even though I am super happy and blessed to have a beautiful baby girl to complete our family, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows like it’s expected to be (Ok, maybe it is for some people, but this is about me not them – haha!

As I’ve said many times on previous blog posts, social media paints us this false picture of how our life should be. I obsessively scroll through accounts of mums who have their shit together – flawless hair and make up, finding time for the gym and leisurely lunches all whilst juggling fun activities for their little ones and babies who sleep all night and all that kinda thing – you know the ones I’m talking about. 

And then there’s the ones who have AMAZING bodies just days or weeks after giving birth (an easy, pain relief free birth) which good for them, I am literally just jealous! 

This isn’t a sob story – it’s just highlighting real life. So in a nutshell, I went for a VBAC (vaginal birth after caesarean) but ended up having another emergency c section due to different factors, developing sepsis and having a few major bleeds in the weeks following the birth. All of this has left me physically and emotionally drained. I didn’t get to fully enjoy the first weeks of Daisy’s life because I was in and out of hospital and feeling rough. I’m still not completely better now and this is where my self esteem has taken a major hit.

I’ve piled on the weight through spending a lot of time resting and comfort eating, my acne has hit full force, my ‘mummy pouch‘ from my second c section is sore and uncomfortable and my wardrobe is tragic – frumpy mum at its best. My body isn’t ready for exercise and to be honest I feel like a big sack of shit. I avoid leaving the house and social events are a no go. I’m moody and a nightmare to live with. 

These are the parts they don’t prepare you for.

Obviously this is only my experience, but after weeks of wallowing I’m determined to turn my mindset around. Work on my body and mind and build some confidence. I’m still young, I have two beautiful children and I intend to become the best version of myself for them, and for Kyle, and more important for myself. 

I will continue to blog about my journey and hope to look back in a few months and see some changes, I just need to keep looking forward towards my end goal. I have always had little motivation and have given up easily, let’s hope this time will be different. 

My Dad gave me a bit of advice today, and that was to take an hour out for myself each day, take a walk, whatever I need to do to blow off the cobwebs. And that was my motivation to get myself together and to give myself a break.

And that’s the main message – give yourself a break, and don’t let things get on top of you. Take some time out, see what’s important, and work on it. 

Life is way too short. 

See you all soon (when I’m skinny, loving life and slaying at motherhood…. obviously) 
Jenn xxx