Me and mine

So in the next 7 weeks my boy will be turning 3 and my baby girl will be 1! I feel like I’ve blinked and the past 10 months have just gone. I don’t really blog anymore but sometimes it’s a good place for me to write my feelings and I know there are some people that like to know what’s going on with me and the little people!

Well let’s start with me

Finally, after almost 3 years, I think I have finally closed the door on my postnatal depression – yes I still take regular medication but I’m in such a better place mentally. Don’t get me wrong, I still have some serious low days, but I have more better ones. I finally feel like I’m becoming a decent mother and I’m enjoying it so much.

Harry

As most of you know Harry had had speech and other difficulties in his development and learning but he is coming on leaps and bounds.

He is still receiving speech therapy and we are starting to use a picture book to help his frustration to communicate with us, he does a ‘bucket group’ at nursery to help with his attention and listening and he LOVES going to nursery 3 days a week. He is now back under the early years team and from September he will be having one to one at nursery and we will go from there…

But – he is finally starting to want to join in with other kids and his confidence is growing (and he’s a little shit. What toddler isn’t) he makes me want to pull my hair out every single day but also makes me laugh so much every day too. I’ve now gone from “Bub – Lelley” to Bum, Mum, Lelley-bum, Mum-Lelley and any other way he can change it up, haha!

Harry is so full of character, and so loved by everyone who knows him. He makes me so proud every day (and he gives the best cuddles)

Daisy

Well, I’ve never known such attitude in a baby girl, already dreading her teenage years and she’s not even one yet! But saying that she is THE smiliest little munchkin. She adores her brother (even though he likes to be mean to her when he thinks nobody is looking) and she’s a massive Daddy’s girl (yes I’m bitter about this) She is on the move constantly and I think she may be daring enough to take her first steps soon! She’s also saying mumma , Dada, waving and clapping – which may not seem much but seeing her do it when Harry didn’t for such a long time is strange!

Also… she is a food monster – I wonder where she gets that from …

That’s really, if your still here and I haven’t bored the life out of you then thanks for reading – I’m sure I’ll be back again soon!

Jenn xxx

Advertisements

Finding myself

Hey guys… it’s been a while.

Between work, kids and just life in general I haven’t had time to write a blog post.. but here I am, getting back to it.

The last few months have been a bit of a rollercoaster where my mental health is concerned, and one day I just woke up and thought, ENOUGH. I will not let my mind beat me, I will not let my insecurities, anxieties and moods defeat me.

Took myself off to the doctors to review my meds and pretty much beg him to fix whatever is going on in my brain. Before anyone gets offended as everyone does these days, I’m not saying you can just ‘fix’ depression etc. I’m just saying I want to be fixed, calm down.

After an extremely long chat with a LOVELY doctor (really had to enforce how lovely he was because I haven’t had many positive experiences with doctors in the past, and never had someone listen to me so well) .. I went off feeling upbeat, a long way to go, but a step in the right direction. And I decided that alongside the things my gp has put in place to help, I needed to do more to help myself.

Right I’m rambling so straight to the point, fast forward a bit and I am trying to find myself.

By this, I mean being true to myself, doing what makes me happy, and not letting fear hold me back.

So here’s where I am so far –

I have stopped worrying and constantly asking myself ‘what will everyone think’ why is it that we feel we need the OK from everyone else. At the end of the day, it’s what you do to make yourself happy that matters. Do I really give a shit what Susan from the local shop thinks about my outfit? No Susan, I do not.

Should I just agree with things to make life easier, or should I be honest and feel good in myself that I have been just that, honest. Someone might not like it, but they will always get over it. Not everyone likes the truth unfortunately. Don’t get me wrong I’m not gonna say yes actually you do look like a potato in that dress and nobody likes you. But the important stuff, honesty is definitely the best policy.

Secondly, I’m trying to be comfortable in my own skin. I have always been an extremely insecure person especially when it comes to my appearance. I still am, but I’m starting to try and love myself. I have finally found something that works for my acne which has helped SO much. Last night I went out with barely any make up on and wearing an outfit that would normally fill me with dread because of my lumps and bumps, but off I went and do you know what – I felt more comfortable in myself than I have in a very long time.

On to the next thing…

I have signed up to do a sponsored SKYDIVE to raise money for the Alzheimer’s society – for those that don’t know me personally, I work in a home caring for dementia sufferers and I thought while I’m doing something I’ve always been too terrified to do… I may as well do it for a good cause. I have always thought how amazing a skydive would be but because of my anxieties and fears I have never even entertained the idea, until now.

So Wednesday 25th July is the date… wish me luck! And have me a vodka waiting!!!

Following this I have decided that I want to make a ‘bucket list‘ type thing of things I want to do before I turn 30 (which is just under 2 years away) there are lots of fun things on my list and I really find I am slowly shaping into who I want to be and I feel things really are on the up.

So that’s it – sorry for the long post but as I said , it has been a while!

Life is short, don’t hold yourself back, you are in charge of your own happiness.

Jenn xxx

The shape of me…

I have many roles in my life, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a partner, a colleague…. and each of them have shaped me into who I am. I have learnt so much about who I am and what is important to me…

Being a friend.

For those that know me well, I have a small number of friends, but it really is quality over quantity. Over the years I have had some toxic friendships that have caused me to be a bit picky about who I ‘let in

Friendship has taught me to be loyal, upfront and honest, if you want your friends to respect you, and to respect them, I feel like this is a must. One thing I am proud to say is I am one of the most loyal friends you could have, it’s a shame not everyone has seen this in the past. It has taught me that even though life changes and things move on, real friendships will always remain, even if it isn’t through talking or seeing eachother much, you just know they will always be there (Christina, Jemma – that is for you. Miss you.)

Being a partner…

Me and Kyle have been together for 9 years now and my god have we had some ups and downs. Being in this relationship and being a partner and having children together has taught me SO much. It’s taught me that I am very impatient, yet have the patience of a saint. That I want to make the most of every day, but also want to spend my days sleeping. That I am super moody, awkward and hard work, but also happy, easy going and fun. That no matter what obstacles come along, if you really want something, you will find a way. That even though some days I want to be alone, I will always want to come home to the person who makes it all ok.

Being a daughter…

Growing up, like most teenage girls I was seriously hard work. I never considered my parents feelings and we were never overly close. Over the years this changed and now my parents are two of my best friends, and they have taught me so much. I speak to them nearly every day. Although my parents are no longer together I admire how much they always put us first while we were growing up (me and my three brothers) My mum has taught me to be brave, be honest with yourself and to love my children unconditionally. My dad has taught me to be a good person, to give myself a break during the bad times and most importantly life skills (thank god I can cook and handy with some diy because otherwise me and Kyle would be screeeeewed!)

Most importantly they have taught me to always make time for those you love, you never know how long they will be around.

Then there is Being a mother…

This has bought out some of my best, and worst qualities – and I have learnt so much about myself. This is one I won’t go into much depth about because I’ve had a hard journey, mentally and physically since becoming a parent and I am still learning things about myself every day. Things are the best they have been right now (except sleep deprivation is seriously taking its toll)

But I will say that becoming a mother has taught me that no matter what life throws at me, no matter how hard some days can be, these little people rely on me and they will always, ALWAYS come first. I now know what unconditional love is.

So many relationships – whether it be a friend, boyfriend, work colleague, family member , have had a huge impact on becoming who I am today.

My one piece of advice…. say no to fake friendships, toxic relationships, people who are only interested if it’s on their agenda. Love the people around you and love them with all you have. Don’t take them for granted.

Apologies for the soppy post, it sometimes, it’s good to reflect on these things.

WARNING….. PICTURE SPAMMING AHEAD

Jenn xxx

Identity crisis.

It’s been a while since I last blogged, the main reason being that I broke my phone and am using one that is SO painfully slow. Then I forgot my password when I downloaded WordPress to the iPad then bla bla bla here I am…

So I thought I would get back into it by talking about something that has been on my mind a lot lately… and I know is something a lot of people find themselves wondering…. Who am I? I am most definitely having an identity crisis.

I started the year being really focused and determined, I had set my own goals for the year ahead and really felt positive for the first time in a long time….. Fast forward 5 weeks and I’m back in the dark place that I go into every now and then. I either go one way or the other, super upbeat and positive, or in a black hole of negativity.

In these moments, the ups and the downs, there’s always one common factor and that is who am I, I feel like I have lost myself. I’ve really withdrawn myself socially and I feel like I don’t know who I am. I’m mum to my two beautiful children and that gives me purpose, I have a good job that works well around them, and of course I have Kyle…

But there is still something missing … I look in the mirror each morning and I just see a person, a shell of myself, like I’m not there, I don’t know who I’m looking at.

Each day I’m trying to find a little bit of time to just focus on myself, think about what I want and who I want to be. I’m still trying to find that, and I’m sure it’s going to take some time.

So what is it that defines you? what would you want to see if you looked back on yourself in 10 years time? These are the things I’m asking myself and you should ask yourself too.

Are you living the life you want? Are you fulfilling your goals and dreams?

Find yourself, find your way and when you do, enjoy every day, as you really don’t know when it will be your last. This is what I’m going to do.

My next journey will be just that, finding myself again.

To any one else feeling this way… you will get there, just don’t give up on yourself, your worth so much more.

Jenn xxx

Did you know…

I am also on Instagram –

My main account (mostly baby spam) is jennjennhill

My second account (fairly new) is documenting my journey to find my happy place – jenns_journey1

If your on insta – give me a follow, and please leave me your usernames too! And any good pages or blogs to follow would be great!

Jenn xxx

Harry’s world.

It’s been a long while since I posted about Harry, and seeing that we have a lot in place with his speech etc at the moment I thought now would be a good time to start posting regular updates.

So the last time was when Harry had turned 2! And we were waiting for his first speech and language appointment to come through.

Fast forward 6 months to now, and this is where we are at:

  • Harry has quite a lot of recognisable words – when he wants to use them! They aren’t all clear but you can tell what he is saying! The most used being pasta, cheese (of course) , car, go.
  • Harry has his own words for myself, Kyle and Daisy (although he is almost saying Daddy now – no Mummy yet!)
  • He is brilliant with numbers and letters. Harry can count to twelve and knows a lot of letters too (this comes from his love of countdown… yes, countdown)
  • Harry knows his primary colours.
  • Harry enjoys singing along to a few songs, not the words he just babbles the tune (row your boat, grand old duke of York and round the garden)
  • He still babbles …. a lot! And when I say a lot I mean from the second he wakes until he falls asleep!
  • Harry’s S&L therapist has set up a bucket group at his nursery specifically for attention and listening skills, which Harry will be part of. One of his biggest challenges is paying attention to anything, he is so easily distracted and wants everything on his own agenda.
  • We are being offered more therapy sessions to work on his speech, and have been given lots of activities to work on at home.
  • We are trying to teach Harry some basic makaton signs, but it is very difficult with the lack of attention – although Mr Tumble helps!

Myself and Kyle have been finding everything quite stressful lately and with Harry we couldn’t imagine that his speech and behaviour will ever move forward, but looking back at 6 months ago – he has come on leaps and bounds.

In regards to his ‘obsessive‘ behaviours – Harry has moved on from his love of doors (which felt like it lasted forever) now, he tends to go through phases, at the moment he wants to switch light switches on and off and will be very sneaky in order to do it (putting things down to climb on so that he can reach) and also his picture cards, all he does is move them from the sofa to the floor but he loves them.

Harry doesn’t nap in the day at all anymore, so trying to keep him amused all day can become difficult. (He has tonsillitis at the moment and has been napping loads, and I must admit it’s been nice … because he can wind down a bit) He isn’t sleeping so well at night recently due to night terrors, we have an appointment with a sleep specialist from the early years team who is due to see him soon so hopefully that might help, and following that, he is being seen again by the early years team to see how they can support Harry, and us with his developmental, behavioural and sensory challenges.

Everything has been put in place to support Harry in the areas he needs, and I’m really hoping that in another 6 months time he will have moved forward even more.

So that’s all on where we are at now. Here’s a few more bits on things Harry enjoys, he is such a lovely, funny boy, we are very lucky to have him.

  • Cars
  • Puddle splashing (his favourite thing to do)
  • His sister – Daisy, he adores her.
  • Nursery, he goes two days a week and really enjoys it.
  • Playing football and chase with his Daddy.
  • Pasta pasta pasta – this is still all he will eat for dinner!

I hope I haven’t bored you all to death and I will update again once everything is underway!

Jenn xxx

Worry, worry, worry… isn’t funny.

I’ve said many times before that the reason I blog, is as a way to help myself, when I write, I feel like I can be 100% open and honest with both readers, and with myself. When I admitted I was struggling with PND way back at the start, it was hard to publicly share that, but it helped so much. And one of the best parts about the blogging community, is that there are so many people sharing their stories and I have come across some amazing people who really inspire me.

So, I want to share another part of myself, a part that really eats me up and consumes a lot of my life, I was unsure at first, but then I thought about how writing my posts has a positive effect on me and has at points reached out to others in similar situations.

I have had bouts of anxiety, depression, and I’m still finding the best way to keep that at bay, but one of my biggest problems is Health anxiety. Some may think I’m a ‘hypochondriac’ but it goes a lot deeper than that.

Not only do I worry obsessively about all things health related, but I lay awake at night worrying that it’s my last night, that I will fall asleep and never wake up and never see my family and friends again, and then my stomach churns with worry. I spend hours googling different symptoms, digging through my skin to feel things that aren’t even really there, reading articles on illnesses and diseases and convincing myself that I might have it, it’s starting to consume my thoughts constantly. And it’s not just me, I worry about the kids and Kyle. We went to the doctors with Harry this eve as he has been unwell, and he has tonsillitis, he’s really poorly with it. But I’m already stressing about everything and won’t let him out of my sight. Kyle is a deep sleeper, he has been for the 9 years we have been together, yet I still find myself poking him at night to make sure he is still breathing, as well as checking on the kids every hour or so.

This is just the surface, I have a lot more ‘behaviours’ relating to this side of my mind that I’m not ready to share.

So I would like to know if anyone has gone through or is going through a similar thing, and how to challenge it? I know I should discuss it with my gp but I’m worried they will think I’m crazy – because I often think that myself!

A lot of people wouldn’t understand, and who can blame them?

How do you deal with something that seems so ridiculous to others but so real to you…

I told myself this would be my year, my year to work on myself mentally, physically and emotionally, and one step at a time I am getting there, but this is one hurdle I don’t know how to overcome.

If your reading this, thanks for making it to the end without leaving, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Jenn xxx

A little bit of me…

So I’ve been blogging for a while now, although I will obviously never have a large following, I have lots of regular followers on Insta and WordPress so I thought I would share a little bit about myself:

My name is Jenn (full name Jennifer, definitely not a Jenny!)

I live on the beautiful Isle of Wight, although I was born in Leicester – I love it here and I don’t think I’ll ever move! Plus it’s a gorgeous place to bring up the little ones.

Although my friends will insist I’m ginger… I’m ‘strawberry blonde’ (honest)

I am 28 this year which scares me a little as I’m a lot closer to 30 than 20… the years really do fly by.

I work in a care home, my job role is Head of care and activity coordinator, I have worked there over 5 years and I love it. I’m currently on maternity leave, due to return in march.

My partners name is Kyle, we have been together 9 years in April and I honestly don’t know how he puts up with me and my moods. I am NOT easy to live with (but neither is he so we’re even)

I had my first child, Harry, in July 2015 – and my second (and last) Daisy, in August 2017. I have never been a maternal person but I am loving being a parent, even though I find it super hard.

I have a big fear of spiders, and I hate sharp knives.

Everyone finds this weird, but I cannot stand bacon, even the smell makes me want to vomit! But I love cheese, to the point I think I may have a problem. If I had to live on it, I would… happily.

I have size 8 feet which is really shit when you want to buy nice shoes!

I have one tattoo, it’s on my tummy of two butterflies and I hate it. I had it done when I was 15 and they get bigger each year as my waistline expands!!!

I love Marvel, DC, friends, and am a film lover (even though I always fall asleep half way through)

I find it really hard meeting new people but I have a small close group of friends.

I can’t think of much else to share because quite honestly, I’m a little boring! I like the simple things and I’m not overly adventurous!

So that’s a little bit about me.

More posts coming soon so watch this space.

Jenn xxx

Girl power ✌🏻

This one is for my baby girl. You make me want to be a better woman every day.

Growing up with three brothers, I was never really a girly girl, very much a tomboy, and also very shy. I found it difficult to make friends (still do!) and only had a couple of close friends .. but I think sometimes that’s best.

Anyway, my point is I’ve only had a few close female relationships through my lifetime so far, so finding out I was having a girl was exciting! Someone to dress up in cute girly clothes, and build the lifelong bond that we will have.

I want her to be a kind, independent, loving girl – and I’m sure she will be.. but I worry, when all I see on social media is this need to be a certain way, to look a certain way, and I really think this has a negative impact on most girls and women I know, this expectation of how your life ‘should‘ be. I follow so many amazing mummies and love what they post, but it also makes me constantly think I’m not good enough and has a huge negative effect on how I feel. And I feel this is the same for young girls, striving to be something that they think is the way to be, the way to look. What happened to doing whatever the hell you like without a second thought for whether you will be ‘accepted

I left school almost 13 years ago yet sometimes when I log into social media it’s like being in a playground, so much bitchiness between girls.. WHY?! Be happy for people’s achievements and don’t worry yourself about the parts you don’t like. You do not have to be friends with people you literally do not like, but you don’t have to be a mean person either.

On the flip side, I follow a lot of positive empowered women who embrace everything good and don’t let the negativity get the better of them. Let’s be honest, nobody is going to live their life without a good bitch and a moan about people (I’m one of the worst)

But if there is one thing I want for my girl, it’s for her to be true to herself and love herself for who she is.

There is too much negativity in the world, I am really trying to focus on all things positive.

So tell your best friend you love them, give your mum / Nan / friend a text, a phone call.

I will tell my baby girl every single day.

I feel like I’ve rambled as per, but come on, Stop hating on each other , it’s 2018 and it’s getting boring.

P.S I love to gossip etc as much as the next person, There are many girls out there I have zero time for, but I’m making it my mission to be nicer… it’s really not that hard.

P.P.S Shoutout to all the amazing women in my life AND the men, I literally couldn’t get by without them. I love you all so much.

Jenn xxx

Beat those January blues

A lot of people laugh at the whole idea of New Years resolutions, A new year, new me and all that kinda thing – but what better time than the start of a new year and the most boring month (Januaryof course) to set some new goals and turn a new page. For some it might be to lose the Christmas weight, quit smoking, join the gym – just a few of many. But for me, it was to get my head straight and just GO FOR IT.

And by go for it, I mean to stop making excuses, stop holding myself back, you really do only live once.

So, I have set myself many goals for the year ahead, but small, achievable ones – I don’t want to overwhelm myself and set myself up for failure.

The first thing I did, was write a list of things to do throughout the month, this is more of a family thing so that we don’t waste the days away. I wrote a big list with things like ‘Go somewhere on the island we have never been’bake a cake’ and we have to tick one off each day through January, so far it’s going well!

Anyway, I’ve started rambling. So here are some of my January saviours that have helped me to plan and organise myself and to make myself feel a bit ( actually, a LOT better)

Fearne Cotton Happy, and Happy the journal. I’m still working my way through Happy but it has some amazing tools to help with my demons and the journal is brilliant – I have used it every day!

You can start it at any time of the year and it gives you guidance and ideas to make you think about the positive things in your day and to be able to document them. I have had 7 days of positive entries so far!

Holly Willougby – Truly scrumptious baby. Daisy has reached the weaning stage and I wanted to be organised and only give her the best first tastes, this book tells you everything you need from what equipment to use, to flavour combos and loads of handy tips.

Harry Judd – Get fit, Get Happy.

This book is brilliant, especially if you do use exercise as a way to clear the mind. It has pictures and step by step instructions for exercise to do wherever you are and however busy you are, my favourite section is the one where you can exercise with your little one. Perfect for someone like me who hates the gym and doesn’t have much time to spare for exercise.

I have never been good with make up and always look like I’ve just been dragged through a bush backwards, but one of my ‘resolutions‘ is to stop looking like shit all the time (this can’t always be helped though. Haha!) this Benefit Brow kit was bought for me as a Christmas gift and now I don’t know how I lived without it, makes me feel like I look human, takes me 2 mins so I can squeeze it in between getting the little ones ready and I’m good to go. And Vaseline … well this is just a must isn’t it? I ALWAYS have chapped lips so a lick of lippy just doesn’t do me any favours, so a quick application of this ‘rosy lips‘ Vaseline, keeps them hydrated and gives the effect of lipgloss. I feel like an actual female human instead of a zombie Mummy.

These are the things that have kick started me into 2018 with a positive mind, I’m feeling great and I’m hopeful for the year to carry on this way!

I’m enjoying January, and why shouldn’t I, it’s about time I found some happiness for myself, from myself.

Here’s to the future.

Jenn xxx