New year, same blog..

It’s been a long while since I last posted, and to be honest I kind of gave up with my blog, worrying (as usual) that people were bored of my posts, but then I remembered –

1: Nobody has to read them.

2: My main reason for blogging was for myself.

3: Why do I care what people think?

So I’m back, to wrap up 2017 ready to blog more often and more openly in 2018 (which I can already feel is going to be a good year)

So let’s rewind… I started this blog to talk about my postnatal depression following the birth of bubba #1 … that now seems like a LIFETIME ago, bubba #2 is now 5 months (in a few days) and I’ve come to realise just how far I’ve come. I have some seriously low days and some days where I feel like THE worst parent in the world, but overall I have overcome most of my demons, with a little help from some little pills, yes, but with a lot of help from myself. And I’m starting to feel pretty good. I am absolutely, completely shattered, a nocturnal baby and a toddler suffering regular night terrors is taking its toll, but I deal with the bad days so much better now!

To me, PND had a huge affect on my life and I think to a point it still has, but I don’t feel controlled by it anymore, I have overcome the worst, my anxiety can be sky high at times but we all have our days, and today (and most days) I’m pretty happy.

In the new year I hope to mix it up a bit, my uphill journey through motherhood is still what my blog focuses on, but I’m looking forward to sharing the development of my two little monsters, the ups and downs of family life and everything else that’s thrown into the mix of it.

I love to write and after a tiring day I already feel more relaxed, so keeping my blog is a definite YES.

Happy new year everyone,

Here’s to a happy, healthy 2018.

Jenn xxx


‘Mum guilt’

Feeling guilty about something is always a gut wrenching feeling. But feeling guilt for your littles ones is just horrible. ‘Mum guilt‘ is something I hear lots of mums talk about, whether it’s going away somewhere without the kids, spending put on something for yourself (shock horror) or simply sticking them in front of the television because your knackered. Then there’s the biggest one of all, being a working mum. 

I am definitely guilty of this (excuse the pun).

But seriously, you still have to have a life. I mean don’t get me wrong, Harry and Daisy are my life but there is more to me than just being a ‘Mum‘.

I still need to socialise, treat myself, spend time with Kyle KID FREE and I need to provide for them, I want to give them everything.

When I had Harry, I returned to work when he was 7 months old, I felt guilty, like I was abandoning him, but it’s the best thing I could have done, it meant him going to nursery two mornings a week and it has been SO good for him, it’s really helped his development – especially where he’s behind in some areas, and he just loves going there. Now I have Daisy too, I didn’t want to go back to work so soon, I know I won’t have any more kids so I wanted to make the most of the time off while she’s little, but honestly, I am not cut out to be a stay at home Mum, as much as I love the bones off them, it just isn’t for me. I need to be working. I have always worked full time from a young age and that’s just who I am, plus I want to be able to be able to afford to do the things I want to, and for us as a family. Each to their own, but that’s just me….

…. And this is what I feel super guilty about. I worry that they won’t feel the same about me if I’m not with them as much, that I’m doing the wrong thing. 

But I know that actually, it’s the right thing. I need to put clothes on their back, food on the table and give them all the nice things they deserve. So if your feeling MUM GUILT, ask yourself – Do I really need to feel that way? 

I mean, I will still always feel that way, it’s natural. But we need to give ourselves a break.

Talking of which – me and Kyle are going to London next week and leaving the kids with their grandparents…… and yes, I feel guilty (haha!)

What things do you feel bad about as a Mum? Or a Dad? I’d love to hear them!
Jenn xxx

Post-partum problems…

So it’s been a while since my last blog post and that’s because I’ve been busy having another baby, who is 8 weeks old on Friday! For those of you who don’t know – this is Daisy Mai Welsh
I cannot believe it’s been that long already, and it hasn’t been an easy 8 weeks. And that’s what my latest post is focusing on – that even though I am super happy and blessed to have a beautiful baby girl to complete our family, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows like it’s expected to be (Ok, maybe it is for some people, but this is about me not them – haha!

As I’ve said many times on previous blog posts, social media paints us this false picture of how our life should be. I obsessively scroll through accounts of mums who have their shit together – flawless hair and make up, finding time for the gym and leisurely lunches all whilst juggling fun activities for their little ones and babies who sleep all night and all that kinda thing – you know the ones I’m talking about. 

And then there’s the ones who have AMAZING bodies just days or weeks after giving birth (an easy, pain relief free birth) which good for them, I am literally just jealous! 

This isn’t a sob story – it’s just highlighting real life. So in a nutshell, I went for a VBAC (vaginal birth after caesarean) but ended up having another emergency c section due to different factors, developing sepsis and having a few major bleeds in the weeks following the birth. All of this has left me physically and emotionally drained. I didn’t get to fully enjoy the first weeks of Daisy’s life because I was in and out of hospital and feeling rough. I’m still not completely better now and this is where my self esteem has taken a major hit.

I’ve piled on the weight through spending a lot of time resting and comfort eating, my acne has hit full force, my ‘mummy pouch‘ from my second c section is sore and uncomfortable and my wardrobe is tragic – frumpy mum at its best. My body isn’t ready for exercise and to be honest I feel like a big sack of shit. I avoid leaving the house and social events are a no go. I’m moody and a nightmare to live with. 

These are the parts they don’t prepare you for.

Obviously this is only my experience, but after weeks of wallowing I’m determined to turn my mindset around. Work on my body and mind and build some confidence. I’m still young, I have two beautiful children and I intend to become the best version of myself for them, and for Kyle, and more important for myself. 

I will continue to blog about my journey and hope to look back in a few months and see some changes, I just need to keep looking forward towards my end goal. I have always had little motivation and have given up easily, let’s hope this time will be different. 

My Dad gave me a bit of advice today, and that was to take an hour out for myself each day, take a walk, whatever I need to do to blow off the cobwebs. And that was my motivation to get myself together and to give myself a break.

And that’s the main message – give yourself a break, and don’t let things get on top of you. Take some time out, see what’s important, and work on it. 

Life is way too short. 

See you all soon (when I’m skinny, loving life and slaying at motherhood…. obviously) 
Jenn xxx

Think of that Mum

Think of that Mum… who’s struggling on her own. When you and your partner are finding it hard, be grateful you have each other to lean on.

Think of that Mum… Who can’t afford all the flash new gear – But she does all she can to make sure her little ones have everything they really need. 

Think of that Mum… Who isn’t part of the mummy click – not everyone finds it as easy to make friends, especially other ‘mum friends’ and can find it lonely at times.

Think of that Mum… Who despite struggling every day with getting out of bed and facing the world, does it anyway and makes sure her kids get the best they can. 

Think of that Mum… who goes off to work and doesn’t see much of her kids. It doesn’t make her selfish, she’s doing it for them.

Think of that Mum… who wishes she could be at work, making something for herself, but simply can’t afford the childcare to do it.

Think of that Mum… who is just desperate to be asked ‘How are things?’  She may appear to have her shit together but she probably hasn’t.

Think of that Mum, Dad / Parental guardian. Everyone is struggling in a different way. Some of us breeze through parenthood, some of us don’t. But with social media etc being the focus of everything these days, people have such high expectations of what a parent should be and it puts a lot of pressure on. So next time you judge the Mum sat alone at the baby group looking a bit rough or the one screaming at her kid after them ignoring her for the 153727th time. Stop and think. Not all parents are good ones, but the majority are – and if we were all that little bit kinder and little more understanding… Their day might just be that bit better.

5 things they don’t tell you about pregnancy… 

The changes that happen to your body

I saw a post on Instagram today from a woman who loves her pregnancy body and has never felt so comfortable in her own body and beautiful as she does now… I literally feel the complete opposite. I got so upset because I developed my first stretch mark the other day (ridiculous I know) … taking Harry swimming and putting on my swimsuit fills me with dread…in fact leaving the house and wearing anything that my wardrobe currently consists of makes me more self conscious than I’ve ever been, and I’ve never been body confident. I spend probably hours of my day looking at Instagram pages of seriously hot pregnant women, and non pregnant woman and it’s become a real issue for me. I feel really quite sad for myself that I feel this way… us women really do have to go through it. 

As well as the weight gain, my skin has broken out bad! I’ve put on 3 stone this pregnancy and I can really feel it, but the first thing I think about, feel and notice when I wake up (even in the night) and as soon as I look in the mirror, is my skin. I’ve always had adult acne so I should be used to it, but instead of feeling that pregnancy glow I just feel gross. 

But that’s just me, a lot of women LOVE being pregnant and let’s face it, a woman’s body is pretty bloody amazing. 

You worry, a lot :

Even when I’m about to become a second time mum, I worry about everythinghow do I feed her? How much do I feed her? How do I even hold a baby? How many layers do I dress her in? Really silly things, but still a worry. My mind is like spaghetti junction thinking of all the things that could go wrong just if I forget to pack something in the hospital bag… maybe I’ll just check it again for the 15472828th time?
Talking of worry….You will worry about your unborn child being ugly / not cute : 

Mean, but true. They say you would never see your own child as anything but beautiful, and ‘they’ are probably right…. but it doesn’t stop you thinking it. I remember the relief of Harry being a super cutie…. but I’m also worrying baby girl will inherit my big nose. Just being honest – ha! 

You count time in weeks and days : 

Yes, I am 268 days pregnant. 38 + 2 weeks. 1 week 5 days til I’m due… that’s 12 days by the way. 12 DAYS! 

(I remember I never understood the +2 bit … like 28+4 weeks so I had to google it once …. not down with the pregnancy lingo) 

Bed time is not a relaxing time :

You will have crazy ass dreams, you can no longer sleep on your front…. or back…. your restless legs will kick in as soon as your drifting off to sleep then as you do finally nod off, you will be rudely awaken by your pea sized bladder and then take an hour to find a comfortable position again. Who said pregnancy is joyous? 

(They lied by the way)

….. but let’s not forget, whichever way your pregnancy goes… you are creating a life, a part of you. Now surely that’s worth it eh.
Jenn xxx 

Struggles of a working Mum.. 

Stay at home parents, working parents, I salute you all. 

Staying at home and putting all of your time and efforts into caring for your little one is just as hard (in my opinion, even harder) as going off to work. 

Personally, I enjoy working… after having Harry I couldn’t wait to get back, yes, I was suffering with pnd and needed that time away from him but also, I’m just that way inclined. I need to work, earn my own money and have that bit of time being me, not just mum. 

But on the other hand, especially now Harry is at the age we can do lots of fun things together, I found myself wanting to be at home just a little bit more. 

With baby #2 on the way, and just going off on maternity leave, I feel really lost. This is going to be our last baby and I want to make the most of it because it really is true that it goes so fast, I’ve blinked and I have a 2 year old and another on the way and I feel like I have missed a fair bit with Harry, maybe that’s just guilt talking for bringing another baby along so soon. 

Harry goes to nursery for just 6 hours a week and that costs us a bomb… we have a pretty low income yet of course we earn too much to be entitled to any free childcare, which makes things difficult. Our health visitor advised us yesterday to put Harry in nursery a little more to help with his development and for a few other reasons which are irrelevant to this post – but we simply cannot afford it. How are working parents expected to return to work with little or no help, it just seems so backwards sometimes and I find it so frustrating. 

I would love to be able to take a decent amount of time off to spend with both my babies, but the maternity pay just isn’t enough for us to be able to afford that, I returned to work last time when Harry was 7 months old and will probably have to do the same this time, purely for financial reasons. It seems so unfair that money / finances control family life so much. It really isn’t easy. 

And when I do return to work, we will be paying out for not just one, but two lots of childcare. 

I have been off work a week, baby isn’t even here yet, and I’m trying to plan how to manage our finances already, it’s so wrong. 

(  Harry’s throwing an almighty tantrum while I’m writing this and I’m considering returning to work next week if he carries on……….. not.even.joking. ) 

So any tips on how to budget my mat pay or help would be great…

Also any fun ideas on things to do at home with Harry would be appreciated… I’ve been trying to motivate myself to do loads of really cool things and blog about them but being heavily pregnant and stupidly tired, it’s just not happening. We have spent the morning building blocks and that’s about as creative as my mind will go right now! 

Hope all of you other parents have a fun filled weekend and I’ll be sure to look out for some ideas! 
Jenn xxx 

Harry at 2 years

So it’s been over 2 months since I decided I would do a monthly post on Harry – as I have said before, I blog because I enjoy it – and it’s a good way for me to document how I’m feeling and what’s going on in my life. But I would really like to make it a more regular thing and try and build it. I go on maternity leave this week, so I’m hoping that’ll give me the opportunity to blog more often and have more to share with you.

Harry turned 2 last week…. how did this happen?! Where has that time gone?!

 We enjoyed a family day out at Tapnell Farm this year on his actual birthday and he loved it. If you haven’t been and you live on the Island, it’s worth a visit! 

At 2 years old, Harry loves :

  • Cars – he is going through that car stage and plays with them all the time! We got him a cozy coupe for his birthday and he spends so much time in it, when he’s not in there he’s playing with his growing collection of others! 
  • Pasta – this has always been one of his favourite foods but he would eat it every day if he could! Hot, cold, dry, in a sauce, probably even with chocolate he would eat it!
  • Diving / jumping – his new ‘thing’ is to put his arms in the air, and just dive. Sometimes hilarious… sometimes dangerous – he has zero sense of danger when it comes to this and will happily dive head first on to a solid floor! Nightmare. 
  • Cuddles – FINALLY! Harry has never been overly affectionate (I wonder where he gets that from) but now he will willingly come to us for cuddles and it’s the nicest thing ever. Trying to make the most of it before it undoubtedly stops again! 
  • Mr Tumble…. love love loves it.

Things he dislikes:

  • Baths – Harry used to LOVE a bath, and he loves being in water. But over the past weeks bath time has become something he really doesn’t enjoy, and as quick as I have him in there, he’s desperate to get back out again! 
  • Not being able to get his own way or being told what to do. 
  • Doors being opened and not being able to close them. This is such a big problem again and it drives me insane, but I have to remember it’s a big deal to him! 
  • Having his nails cut… again, he used to love it but now even doing it along to ‘this little piggy’ just doesn’t work. 

Harry is behind in his speech development, and he still hasn’t said any words. We finally have an appointment through for Speech and Language which is for mid August, so we are very keen and intrigued to see how this might help. He will also be getting some input from the early years team but this won’t start until a little later in the year. He’s coming on loads every day and you can see how frustrated he gets trying to communicate with us, but he is always able to express what he wants. His ‘obsessive‘ behaviours are still there and he is presenting them in different ways. At the moment, lining up of his toys is becoming a much more regular occurrence and it can stress him out a lot! He still loses his temper very quickly (again, I wonder where he gets that from) but overall he is a very happy playful little boy and we are so proud of him. He makes our day, every day.

And let’s not forget he is due to be a big brother very soon, so a lot more change coming for him. I will keep you updated with how that goes… with just over 3 weeks until my due date, it’s all feeling a bit nerve wracking but super exciting. 

I will see you again in a month for the next update by which time there should be lots to tell you about! Until then, keep an eye for my other posts and feel free to throw any blogging ideas my way. 
Jenn xxx 

A-Z of pregnancy… 

A – Alcohol … or lack of it. I can give or take alcohol but I get envious whenever my friends go for a drink and crave a vodka lemonade. Or a beer. (I don’t even like beer)

B – Boobs. Pregnancy is like an instant push up bra. This isn’t always a good thing though because they ache like mad! 

C – Cravings! Or in my case… an excuse to eat enough to feed a small country. I cannot stop eating. 

D – Dehydration. Since being pregnant my fluid intake has probably quadrupled. I’m constantly thirsty and even drink a bottle of water through the night…. the endless toilet trips are great fun. 

E – Emotions. Well what more is there to say. Hormones have a lot to answer for. 

F – Fat. Your going to get fat, well, fuller at least. But enjoy it and embrace it. You’ll miss the bump when it’s gone. 

G – Grooming… always an effort but even more so when you get too large to reach anything from the waist down. Shaving my legs has become a massive workout. 

H – Heightened sense of smell… has someone just come in from having a cigarette or have they blown every breathe of it in my face? And working in a care home… well, I’m sure you can imagine the treats my nose gets. * Vom *

I – Isolated. A feeling I get quite often. My friends and family are great but sometimes being pregnant can feel really lonely. 

J – Jabs etc… you will feel like you have endless doctor or midwife appointments but it’s all part of the fun. 

K – Know-it-alls … you will get plenty of unwanted ‘advice’ from people that think they wrote the handbook to being a parent. Advice is always welcome but there will be lots of unwelcome comments too. Honestly, I think all mum to be’s will have been there. 

L – Leakage. C’mon, we all know pregnancy isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. Leaking boobs amongst other weird bodily functions are something for you to look forward to! 

M – Maternity leave… as you get to the end of pregnancy, it’s good to know your going to get some time off to rest before the baby arrives (rest…. who am I kidding?!) but it is something to look forward to. 

N – Nails. One good thing is how fast and strong your nails grow. Although I get annoyed with mine and end up cutting them off. I love that they grow to a good length in a short time. 

O – Overdue… you get your due date and you expect your baby to be here. Just remember… it doesn’t always work like that. But you know it won’t be much longer… don’t wish the days away. 

P – Pelvic pain… you might be lucky enough to avoid this, I was the first time. But your growing a baby and your joints are moving, expect some pain and discomfort. 

Q – Questions… being pregnant, especially if it’s your first time can be daunting and it’s all new. No question is too stupid to ask your midwife / gp / whoever. Trust your instincts too. 

R – Restless legs. ARGHH it’s the worst. To anyone who falls pregnant, I hope you avoid it. (Drives Kyle mad though which is quite amusing)

S – Sickness. Morning sickness … nothing you can do about it, if your going to get it , your going to get it. I had it BAD with both pregnancies and it’s definitely been the worst part for me. 

T – Toes. What toes?! Haven’t seen those in a while. 

U – Underwear will become less attractive the further along you get… big black pants are my best friend. 

V – Vagina… because it’s the only V word that goes hand in hand with pregnancy… I’m sure it crossed every mum to be’s mind at some point… how will I push a human out of there and will it stay intact…. yuck. 

W – Wardrobe… as you grow, you will grow it if your normal clothes. You can get some gorgeous maternity clothes now and most places do them (asos, boohoo, new look) unless your like me and just live in stretchy midi dresses. 

X – eXtra stuff. You will accumulate so much stuff. People will want to buy you presents (which is always welcome) and before you know it you’ll have half or morhercare in the back room. 

Y – Years…. is how long you might feel pregnant for by the third trimester. I’m sure I found out I was pregnant 7 years ago?! Nope apparently it’s only been 8 months. 

Z – Zzzzzz….. zzzzz…. zzzz…. zzz  – Sleepy. All the time. Tired. Worn out. Asleep. Napping. Insomnia. More sleep. If you have chance to nap….. take it!! 
Jenn xxx

Parenting, pregnancy, and PND.

Does it ever get easier?

My parenting ‘skills’ feel like they are really being tested lately. Harry turns two next week… that’s two years that I have had him in my life, almost 3 if you count the pregnancy itself – and I still don’t feel that I’ve come forward as a Mum and in coping with being a parent. 

Some days I tell myself, it’s normal, parenting is hard for everyone and we are always going to be tested through tears, tantrums and toddler behaviour (and child, teenager…. I know it will always happen) 

But on probably 5 out of 7 days – I’m finding it harder. My patience wears thin too quickly, I lose motivation to get through the day with a positive mindset and I find myself falling back into the trap of just ‘making it through the day’ not making the most of every day. 

I’m in the last trimester of this pregnancy and that obviously has an effect, I’m absolutely shattered, everything hurts and I have never felt so uncomfortable in my own skin. Everyone that knows me knows I’m a pretty self conscious person with little confidence but being pregnant this time around has taken it to another level, I have never felt so gross and unattractive. And I’m certain this is having a huge knock on effect on my day to day life. 

I’m already worrying that the effects of past depression are going to come back full force when Baby girl arrives and that’s putting extra worry on my mind – I never really dealt with it properly after Harry and I think that’s why I’m where I am now. After a good day I tell myself ‘I’m cured’ then one small setback and I’m back to the negative thinking and low moods. 

Yes, I want someone to tell me it’ll be fine, it will all get better and the future will be a breeze. But realistically I know it’s down to me. 

And what would I say to all you other Mums struggling out there – get some help and deal with your demons. Enjoy every day with your little ones. Look after yourself and make time for yourself. 

So maybe it’s time to take my own advice, right? 

Tomorrow is the start of a new week and hopefully a better one. 

Let’s do this. 

Motherhood and me. 

When I first started this blog, it was my way of helping myself to deal with whatever was going on in my life and a way to express myself – everybody knows I’m not a good talker. 

I feel like I’m back to that place today… needing to write. 

So what’s going on? 

I’m now coming up to 33 weeks pregnant and Harry is going to be turning 2 in a few weeks, we have been in our new house for almost a month and I am so SO tired! 

I would love to know how all you super mums do it, breeze through every day and hold your shit together?! I struggle to make it through the first hour of the day without wanting to kill somebody (my poor work colleagues – I am not the best person first thing in the morning….. or afternoon….. evening… you get the drift)

So here’s a little snippet of life right now… 

Harry was seen by the health visitor today – and has been referred to the early years team and speech and language therapist for some extra support. His obsessive behaviours and development delays have raised a few red flags but our HV has been super efficient and helpful in getting us the support we need. 

We had a growth scan a week ago to see how baby girl is doing and there’s a couple of concerns there – nothing major, but we have another scan a week today to see where to go from here – we may be meeting her sooner than expected, but let’s wait and see! 

Works getting slowly harder but I only have 4 weeks left. Sleep feels non existent and I am beyond shattered. Day to day life could be easier but with everything going on around the world right now, I really shouldn’t be complaining. I feel guilty for saying I’m far from happy right now, but my babies make it all ok.

Time to put the violins away, I’m not after sympathy, I just wonder when it gets easier?!

Motherhood is by far the best, but hardest journey of my life… I really feel like I’m going wrong somewhere – but then I look at Harry and think everything is just so right. 

Look at him – I created this beautiful little human and he relies on me every single day and he needs me, he needs me to guide him. But honestly, I need him – to remind me that life is amazing, far too short, and that no matter what life throws at me, I will always be his Mum, and there’s nothing more important than that. 

So this post is for my gorgeous boy, and my baby girl…. I will be the best I can be for you both. 

And for all you other Mums, and Dads, that are struggling right now, remember who your doing it for, and remember your doing the best you can. It will get easier, I’m sure of it.